The Top 8 Betchiest Sports Cities
As a betch, a true appreciation of sports can only come from using sports as an excuse to drink and hook up with athletes.
At least that's the case in most cities.Then there are these cities–the cities that take sports to an entirely new level, complete with celebrity sightings, binge boozing for celebrations, and elaborate private boxes with open bars. These are the cities that you should know about, and here they are.
Time to give our brothers to the north a little love. Toronto is like New York, just in Canada. And with a limited professional sports market, Canadians love the Toronto sports teams.
There are the Raptors, who have Drake as their eternal mascot and fuckboy.
Then there's the Blue Jays, who aren't exactly relevant but we patriots of the USA like to humor Canada with a baseball team.
Finally, the Maple Leafs. Hockey is like expensive cocaine in Canada, they cannot get enough. And for their dedication to watching a puck fly around an ice rink, Toronto makes the list.
Miami took a few hits on the betchy scale once LeBron James and his entourage left the great city. Rihanna and Beyonce have been spotted at a few of these games, though the celeb sightings have gone down since LBJ left the 305.
If you can count the street cred of the University of Miami, whose football players in the 1980s admitted to doing lines before practice and messing around with prostitutes, then the betchy factor goes way up.
First, you've got Jerry Jones owning the Dallas fucking Cowboys. He's so insane that he added stripper bowl and like a million bars in the new Cowboys stadium, but it's incredible. And obviously, football is life in Texas. Texas Forever.
Then you've got the next ballsiest owner in sports, Mark Cuban, the dude famous for Shark Tank and being a billionaire and yelling at the referees at Dallas Mavericks games. And the Mavs have Chandler Parsons, who's unbelievably attractive and supposedly dated one of the Kardashians for a hot sec, but whatever.
Both of these teams are good. Both of these teams have a lot of money. Both of these teams are betchy.
What the hell is there to do in Cleveland? Nothing. Except watch sports. And for that reason, Cleveland makes this list.
But Cleveland mainly makes the list because of the larger-than-life athletes in “The Land.” Ever heard of LeBron James? Yeah? What about Johnny Manziel? And did you know Justin Bieber makes trips to Cleveland to hang out with these bros?
The chance to join their entourage is a good enough reason to be a Cleveland fan.
Have you ever tried talking to a Northeasterner about The Patriots or Red Sox? Well, don't because you can't fucking understand anything they say when that Boston accent comes out. “Blah, blah GRONKOWSKI, blah, blah, I WANNA SUCK TOM BRADY'S DICK, blah.”
This is the city with the betchiest football fans, hands down. Because the Patriots are always good, and fans always get their frostbitten asses into the stands, no matter the temperature outside. And with the holiest of all football Gods, Tom Brady, at quarterback, there's even more reason to watch.
Plus, Boston has its scattering of diehard celebrity fans, like Mark Wahlberg and Ben Affleck. Go Red Sox.
3. New York
What better place to watch a basketball game in a bougie box than Madison Square Garden? Don't answer that. It's fucking rhetorical.
The Knicks suck. Like are painfully bad. So are the Jets. And the Mets. Normally the Giants are on that list, too. But no one really cares in New York, because there's so much other shit to do at all times. And there will always be the Yankees, an organization that has more money than God.
New York has too many celebrity fans to name, but a few of the regulars are Adam Sandler, Jerry Seinfeld, and Spike Lee. Oh, and Jay-Z used to be a partial owner of the Brooklyn Nets so that's whatever.
No city takes its sports quite as seriously as Chicago.
No, actually. Because Chicago sports teams are chronically terrible, the city uses sports as an excuse to excessively binge drink and forget about losing. The city has over 200 sports bars, and each have dollar shots and drink specials to watch the Bears and Cubs lose.
The Blackhawks are great, and are probably the hottest professional sports team in history (sup, Patrick Sharp and Jonathan Toews).
And when the Cubs are actually good, there's no better place to watch baseball than Wrigley Field with $3 beers in hand.
1. Los Angeles
In terms of celebrity sightings, there's no better city than Los Angeles. And to be honest, nobody in Los Angeles actually cares about sports, they just pretend to. Everybody knows “pretending to give a fuck” is an essentially quality of being a betch.
The Lakers probably have the betchiest fan-base, with everyone from Jack Nicholson to Leonardo DiCaprio being spotted courtside. And the Lakers qualify as celebrities themselves, with the two former Betchy Athletes of the Week Kobe Bryant and Nick “Swaggy P” Young on the team. The Clippers have Kevin Hart and Billy Crystal as supporters.
Then L.A. also has the Dodgers, USC, and UCLA. With eternally beautiful weather and even prettier people, there's always an excuse to pregame and tailgate.