Your Moms Pants

21 Things That Just Aren’t OK After Middle School

1. Velcro shoes.

You’re just a loop swoop and pull away from not looking like an over-sized toddler.

2. Screennames like this.

I’m sorry, Mr. Shopaholic22, but we’re going to have to let you go.

3. Seasonally colored braces.

Come December, there ain’t nothing wrong with getting in the Christmas spirit!
Except this. This is wrong.

4. Rolling backpacks.

Got three words for you: S. M. H.

5. Double popped collars.

The single popped collar barely got by in middle school, so what could possibly make you think the double is kosher now?

6. Horseplay on the bus.

The bus monitor isn’t always going to be there for you; you gotta start monitoring yourself, man.

7. Elastic waistbanded pants.

A total waste of your waist.

8. Unhealthy teen idol obsessions.

Little girl with a J-Bieb’s poster? Adorable. Grown man with a J-Bieb’s license plate? Alarming.

9. Faking drunk.

Stop. You’re not drunk. You drank strictly Diet Peach Snapple all night.

10. Bowl Cuts

It would be preferable that no one ever wears their hair like that ever for the rest of eternity and then for like a week or two after that.

11. Dousing yourself in Axe.

You’re not going to the 6th Grade dance. You’re going to a bar with adults. Smell your age.

12. Dancing like this.

You’ve left enough room for Jesus.

13. Spending hours on Photobooth.

No matter how good you look in Sepia, leave the extensive photo-boothing to 8th grade girls in Algebra class.

14. Breaking up via text.

You might not be great, but you’re better than this.

15. Listening to Weird Al.

If you attended two or more stops on his 2012 “Amish Paradise Tour,” you should probably reconsider your priorities/life decisions.

16. Wearing these…

18. Or ESPECIALLY these.

No ifs, ands or but(t)s. Once you’ve decided to call yourself an “adult”, you should probably burn every pair of these you own.

19. Crying during sports.

Not a good look, brother.

20. Laughing excessively everytime you hear the words “poop,” “pee,” “penis” or “vagina.”

Cause welcome to the real world. You’re gonna hear at least 2-3 of those words every fucking day.

21. And most importantly, making spelling errors.

Cause nowadays, a faux-pas like this could land Stephen on the government watch list.

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